Across Borders: Navigating Trials and Triumphs on the Road to Marriage

On the 23rd of March 2024, I stood beside the love of my life, surrounded by friends and family, as we exchanged vows and embarked on a new chapter together as husband and wife. It was a day filled with joy, relief, and a deep sense of gratitude for the winding path that led us to that moment.

Our story began in the midst of 2021, amidst the digital ether of language exchange platforms. Little did I know that striking up a conversation with a stranger would lead to a profound connection that would change the course of my life. As our friendship blossomed, I found myself drawn to Oxford, eager to nurture the possibility of something more with this incredible person.

Over the span of two years, I traversed the skies, flying to the UK over twenty times, fueled by the hope that our bond would evolve into something enduring and beautiful. Each visit strengthened our connection, reaffirming my belief in the power of love to transcend distance and time.

However, in November 2023, our hopes were dealt a devastating blow when my entry into the UK was denied, and I found myself detained overnight, separated from the man I loved. It was a harrowing experience that shattered our plans for a civil partnership in the UK, leaving us adrift in a sea of uncertainty. Returning to Germany with only a backpack and facing the daunting task of rebuilding my life, I grappled with feelings of loss and helplessness.

Yet, amidst the chaos, a glimmer of hope emerged. With unwavering determination, we forged ahead, exploring alternative avenues to unite our lives. We made the decision to marry in France, a country that welcomed us with open arms and provided a beacon of hope in our darkest hour.

In the months leading up to our wedding, we navigated a labyrinth of bureaucracy, bridging three countries and overcoming countless obstacles. From Japan to Germany to France, we embarked on a journey fraught with challenges, from international phone calls to sworn translators, from post office visits to trips to Paris. Despite the logistical hurdles, our love prevailed, growing stronger with each passing day.

During my time in France, I had the privilege of forging bonds with Guillaume's family, particularly his mother, with whom I shared the joy of refurbishing furniture and the warmth of familial connection. It was a period of growth and discovery, as I embraced a new culture and embraced the love that surrounded me.

As the day of our marriage approached, anticipation mingled with nerves, but above all, there was an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the love that had brought us to this moment. Surrounded by family, we exchanged vows in a ceremony that was a testament to our resilience and commitment to each other.

Now, as we embark on the next chapter of our journey, we are faced with the daunting task of navigating the complexities of visa applications and immigration laws. Yet, armed with love and determination, we are confident that we will overcome any obstacle that stands in our way.

Our journey to marriage has been marked by trials and tribulations, but through it all, our love has remained steadfast. As we look to the future, we do so with hope in our hearts and a deep sense of gratitude for the love that has guided us thus far. Together, we are ready to face whatever challenges lie ahead, secure in the knowledge that love knows no boundaries.

Notes to self: After a breakup

 

Fuck it's hard.
It has been about 4 weeks since we broke up. I have been working on healing from it. I had never experienced such a pain and cried 1,5 months straight since the moment I realized he was only ending this relationship, instead of working it out together. There was no other option but quitting the relationship for him. It was a fastest give up I have ever seen.
Everything I do reminded of him, us: the excitement for creating a life together, the plans and steps we made, the memories we shared, the bumps we got over together. All is gone.
These I thought made us even closer and our bond stronger only prove me I was wrong.
The darkest few months in pain and denial until I pushed myself to move out of the apartment we together moved in, I found myself doing nothing but crying in agonizing pain I never beared that I still cannot find words to describe. Losing him was then the scariest and the worst thing that could ever happen and the last thing I could think of in my life here. I never took the relationship for granted one bit.
Sometimes it feels like unfair when you get still dragged back into good memories in which you always end up in tears thinking he must have stopped even caring about you.
When you think you are the only one looks back and things are already changing.
All I did was resisting the reality, of course in hopes and trying to pursuade him to reconsider the decision.
I thought we could get over it just like other little bumps we got over past few years.This must be a bad dream and once I wake things get normal again. I thought of it over and over again knowing I am wrong.
One of hardest things was to stay positive in despair.
The reason I did was of course because I believed this will be over soon and we will be fine again. This belief kept me strong even though I countlessly broke down in tears when he stepped out the house for a smoke or a short walk after dinner.I went on knees and tears blinded my sight and wetted the floor. Me behaving positive and happy like before helped him a little to rethink or made him see this strong woman is for him..? Just a stupid idea because it didn't work at all in the end.

Giving up is an easiest way to walk away from a problem but this is not always the best solution to end it. When I think we could have considered it a little deeper or we could have taken a bit more time to process it, he had already decided not to bother to put another effort into the relationship anyway.He wanted to leave me as soon as possible, instead of staying with me anyhow.
He would eventually brag that he is always the one leaves the relationship, again.

I thought I would leave here a few phases I have been though so far, picking up broken pieces.

1. Give myself time to grieve but not let it consume myself.
I had focused on repressing and hodling emotions in, especially in the beginning of this event and after my new life in this new flat has started. I was afraid of breaking myself down by crying my eyes out, I was afraid I might not be able to be my normal self again by letting emotions flood out but it was not true.
Letting tears burst out actually helped me clear my head and mind, then think "holy shit, this is hard. but I will be okay."
Every night and morning my eyes were puffy and extra bonus: skin got dried out, made winkles and makeup turned shitty. This even looked funny and I laughed at myself in the mirror. Note to self: it is perfectly fine to cry as much as you need/want but always make sure to not let this one time rough event ruin your precious time. You've got so many more good things to take care of.

2. Deleting data.
I always deleted pictures every time relationship ended so that there was nothing left to look back even if I wanted to but this time it's weiredly different. I just can't delete them.
PC is in reach. I only have to open it, switch the power on, go onto goole photos, select the photos and hit Delete. Make sure to empty bin. I know it's so simple but something stops me from doing so, even though I know nothing is connecting us anymore. Deleting photos won't change anything between him and I.
When our old (but still only a few months old) photos pop up by chance (like "1 year ago today" reminder), it gets me feel like the breakup didn't even happen. I just can't believe we aren't together anymore. It haunts me every time this happens.
I shouldn't look at them, better yet they should forever be gone. There is no point keeping pictures I would never look back anymore.

3. Keep myself in positive spirits.
Since the very next day I knew I definitely hit the rock bottom, two of good friends of mine, actually my ex-colleagues from my previous job have been helping my heart heal, lifting me higher without doing it intentionally. They might not even be doing it for me, just being the way they are, being my friends but give me energy and I can laugh my lungs out until my cheeks and belly hurt, again.
A friend who drove back and forth between the apartment and my flat to transfer boxes, suitcases, bikes, drove me to IKEA and home centers, took care of small repairs. A friend walked me through the dark time, gave me wise words to keep me sane and made me believe that I will be fine, I can get through this, and sent me a gift card to make the transition easier. A friend offered me some used home appliance when I had to find ones. A friend who runs his cafe, knows me since I moved this city, worried about me and yet advised me not to live in the past and only look up.
I am fortunate to have them. How could I have dealt with this breakup without them? The road would have been much rougher, bumpier, und longer till where I am standing now.

4. Being on my own on the streets.
I met him very right after I decided to move to this city. So he was there my entire life in the city from the beginning. Literally all (almost) the streets I walked with him. Sunny days to enjoy the strolls in the shower of sun, rainy days we rushed back home from grocey shops. Running into a cafe to escape from an evening storm in the summer. Reading under huge trees in the park. Picknick on the grass. Now I walk alone everywhere and it does feel strange that he is not next to me who would carry heavy bags all the way back home. I'm alone.

5. Accept and process this heartache.
What could I have done last 3,5 years if I didn't spend the time with him?
This question didn't across my mind once because I got to learn, see, know so many things I wouldn't have got to otherwise.
Culture, history, study-work ethic, food I got to know from him and he cooked in the small kitchen on weekends. Music and books...and people around him from different backgrounds and countries. Drinks on the terrace, restaurants I was taken to. Damn,,how did I get this lucky to have had all this?
He made me the happiest girl alive but more than that I was the luckiest one.
The relationship didn't work out somehow, sadly but I can feel now that it's okay. It will forever hold a place in my heart and I will cherish what I got to have when I was with him. I will use it for the bigger and better self I am becoming. 

6. I've come a long way.
When I look at the ceiling in my new place I am relieved I have made it here through the deepest woods where I thought I could not find a path to come out, through the longest unlit tunnel where I didn't know where I was going. I felt confused, so lost, weak, and paralyzed. Desparate and devastated. I was at the bottom.
Thinking back of feelings I had then, it still overwhelms me. It was even hard to stand still. When he stopped look at me the way he used to and stopped smiling even.. that..really wrenched me..Where did he go, the person I used to know? ..It feels like you keep being stabbed over and over again and there's no way to stop it. Jeez how could I come through out of it? If I wasn't writing this it would long erased in my head just like a partial amnesia that your brain does to let you heal faster or help you forget the shock which no longer need to be remembered. I might forget the processing part that was the toughest laid on my chest and almost choked me.

I visited nearly 15 apartments within a week or 10 days and found my current place 2 weeks after I started a seach for a place. I knew the longer I am stuck in the apartment I lived with him the crazier my head gets. I know it's god damn hard being in a place where once love was and your heart broke into pieces. So you have to get out of it as soon as possible. My friend once said "you cannot heal in the place your wound was made". I questioned million times "why" but unending questions will never be answered and that should be maybe okay just like that. I wouldn't be convinced anyway. I should focus on moving on and bettering myself. I will find happiness again.

One biggest heartbreak... that was beyond hard and I didn't think I could bear.
One biggest love... that I didn't think I deserve.
3,5 years of happiest life... that I will always appreciate.

M

These Days

 

I know you moved onto someone new
Hope life is beautiful
You were the light for me to find my truth
I just wanna say, thank you

Leaving to find my soul
Told her I had to go
And I know it ain't pretty
When our hearts get broke
Too young to feel this old
Watching us both turn cold
Oh, I know it ain't pretty
When two hearts get broke
Yeah, I know it ain't pretty
When two hearts get broke

I hope someday we'll sit down together
And laugh with each other about these days, these days
All our troubles, we'll lay to rest and
We'll wish we could come back to these days, these days

Oh, I know, I know
Oh, I know, I know
Oh, I know, I know
These days, these days

Oh, I know, I know
Oh, I know, I know
Oh, I know, I know
These days, these days

Three years of ups and downs
Nothing to show for it now
And I know it ain't pretty
When the fire burns out
Calling me when I'm drunk
Remind me of what I've done
And I know it ain't pretty
When you're trying to move on, yeah

I hope someday we'll sit down together
And laugh with each other about these days, these days
All our troubles, we'll lay to rest and
We'll wish we could come back to these days, these days

Oh, I know, I know
Oh, I know, I know
Oh, I know, I know
These days, these days

Oh, I know, I know
Oh, I know, I know
Oh, I know, I know
To these days, these days, oh

Cigarettes in the ash tray
Reminiscing on those past days
I thought you'd end up with my last name
But that changed

And I travelled around the world, think where you living at now?
I heard you moved to Austin, got a new apartment and settled down
And every once in a while I start texting
Write a paragraph, but then I delete the message

Think 'bout you like a past time
I could cry you a river, get you baptised or
I wasn't ready to act right
Used to always think I'd get you back, right

They say that things fall apart (Yeah)
We were gonna move to Brooklyn, you were gonna study Art
Love is just a tool to remind us who we are
And that we are not alone when we're walking in the dark

I hope someday we'll sit down together
And laugh with each other about these days, these days
All our troubles, we'll lay to rest and
We'll wish we could come back to these days, these days

We'll wish we could come back to these days, these days

A Pavement of Stones

How can I get through this. 

How can I survive this time? 

I'll lose my visa. I need a job. 

I put myself in this place. Nothing and no one else. I chose to be here. So any kind of outcomes were welcomed. And here it is.

The First Day. Lost in Town

My first morning!! Started with a couple of things on ToDo list for today. And I'm feeling determined. Somehow.

1) I will get officially registered as a resident of this town and other required procedure.

2) Get a small mirror for my desk (for makeup when the bathroom is occupied etc) and a body wash sponge

3) Explore the town, find a shortcut to the station. 

This is what I had for breakfast. 

I sat on the chair in the kitchen and looked outside the window. 

I've got all the time for my own. I can do anything here. 

The Day I Moved to Düsseldorf!!

It's still feeling like today was just a dream in a random night. But I'm awake. Then this means today wasn't a dream. Such a big big day. A big change in my life. 

I can't still believe the morning I woke up early to finish up packing and the night I lay down on a bed in a house that I never knew before happened in the same day. The morning feels like a few days ago. And I have to say that all this big move would've been way far from successful without Jan's support. 

I moved to new place in Germany. Meerbusch. 

28th Birthday and Boxes!

Big boxes are surrounding me. I'm literally surrounded in excitement. Today I turned 28.

And no, boxes aren't presents but they're love. 　Love from family and friends.

It's going to be a life-changing year!

10th Feb. Visit New Home in Düsseldorf

I am moving to Düsseldorf! How could I expect that? 

When I decided to quit the community college last year (September 2016), I was thinking that returning home in Tokyo would be my fate and I would go back to the life with crazy hours of work, no vacation, and random people to hang out with. I could've made it better but honestly, I didn't like it. 

I almost started to get myself ready for it and told most people back in Japan that I would come back for good. No wonder, my mom was the happiest. It's easy to see that your mom would be relieved and happy when she knows you're coming back home from overseas. Having her kids where she can reach (not by a plane) them must mean a lot to her. And/but of course, she tells her kids that we should live our lives any way we want and wherever we'd like to live in. 

If the trial for our divorce would've been taken place in 6 months as our expected, I would've left Germany right away which was the mid November and started to work in Tokyo. (and I was going to come back to Germany just to get the trial done.)

Take me back: Bostalsee 2 night-stay

I've still got a couple (maybe more) of posts that I haven't made yet and had been putting off to write. 

And this is the one that has been stuck in my head, wouldn't leave my mind and keep on telling me "make a post. make a post. make a post" and I was thinking back "I will. I will. I will."

You sure know what it feels like if you were like me: You know you will do it at some point (and you do it actually) but don't want to work on it right right away…and end up putting it off. 

I haven't made any solid resolutions for 2017 yet though, one of them would be reducing this problem: Putting off things that I know I can get done right away. 

So, okay, I've written enough blah blah. Now it's about the lake Jan and I visited back in Summer last year. 

Hope it sends you off a bit of warmth from the screen and helps you forget the coldness for some seconds.

In the end of August 2016, we drove for the direction France and stayed out at a hotel for 2 nights.

The Bostalsee is a lake of Nohfelden in the northern Saarland. With a water surface of 120 ha and a depth of up to 20 m. This lake is one of the largest leisure waters in the south-west of Germany. 

Day 4. 21sr Oct. Our Trip to Neuschwanstein

This was taken when we left the lodge to return home. As you can see, the weather couldn't been any worse. Windy, freezing, rainy and dark. I'm glad the weather stayed nice last days. 

We only have to drive back home. Goodbye Bayern until next time!!

Day 3. 20th Oct. Our Trip to Neuschwanstein

Woke up, felt the sunlight, opened the curtains, and asked "why so sunny today and not yesterday??"

This couldn't have been more beautiful but oh well. It was lucky enough for us that it never rained yesterday. 

Today we wanted to walk around in Füssen city which is about 15 minute-drive from where we stayed (or from castles). 

The sun was so warm, crisp air, farms, Alps mountains, and nice foods.

Day 2. 19th Oct. Our Trip to Neuschwanstein

I don't know about you but I looked up and it kept my mouth opened in a shock for a while. SO beautiful. 

I think I'd like to write a bit about the history of this castle here. It might help you appreciate its background of LudwigⅡof Bavaria who built the castle and how it's loved over centuries. For more information and details, please check Wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuschwanstein_Castle) or other related sources.  

Castle Neuschwanstein (Neu=New Schwan=Swan Stein=Stone) was built by LudwigⅡ, King of Bayern, in early 19th century. 

It's located by the border of Austria (about 4km to the border) and there is a castle Hohenschwangau where LudwigⅡspent his childhood and owned by the father of LudwigⅡnear Neuschwanstein. 

The name of Neuschwanstein derives from a castle "Schwanstein" that used to be where Hohenschwangau is today and named after the year 1890. So now you know where "Neu=New" Schwanstein comes from. 

The castle can appear to have built with the traditional construction system at that time. It was, however,  constructed not with stones or brick but with mortar or concrete structured by steel frames and lack of weather resistance and durability. 

This castle was neither constructed as a "fort" of a military position nor as a "palace" of the political and diplomatic base. 

It was built just for the romantic hobby of Ludwig II: there are no small cathedral or graves that should be in the castle hall of Germany in this castle,  and an artificial cave named Venus cave (Venusgrotte) was built while making the throne was postponed.

Liveability as an actual residence wasn't put in a consideration and practicality as a facility had been neglected.

This castle is unsuitable for both residential and political affairs (as well as military facilities).

As you can find the line in Wiki, the castle was publicly opened immediately after Ludwig II's death in 1886.

Day 1. 18th Oct. Our Trip to Neuschwanstein

I know it's been a while since I took the pictures and never made posts about it. So I'm going to make posts of unshared events by the very end of this month. 

This is the one of things I want to get done before New Year comes. 

On 18th October, we drove to Bayern to visit Neuschwanstein castle. I'd been wanting to go there once so bad for a long time not because it's the model of Cinderella castle but because it's one of the most popular spots to visit in Germany and I wan't still there yet. And it's so far from where we live. 

Christmas 2016

Before heading out to Jan's parents.

Merry Christmas!! I hope all of you had a great time with your family or beloved one. This year I got to celebrate it with Jan's family for the first time. One of us was always missing last years. The year 2011 that I moved to Germany, despite of my first Christmas experience in oversea, Jan had to fly out on 24th. In 2012 I was gone as I wanted to be with my family in Japan. In 2013, Jan and Anni were gone for work and I stayed home alone. 

In May 2014 I moved back to Tokyo to work until this year. So it was the first time for us to be all together. 

Here I'm going to share with you what we had for 24th dinner and 25th lunch. 

Fly outside the window

Thursday afternoon. 6th Oct.
It's gotten cold since the past few days. The temperature has dropped to 12 degrees from 25 a couple of days ago with the east wind. 

It's coming from Russia and pushing airplanes southward and they keep making noise over the apartments for arrivals. If you are the long term reader of my blog you know we live near the airport.

Turkey Thighs for Wednesday dinner

I didn't know "PUTE" in German means Turkey until a couple of days ago.
I've had turkey breasts not knowing that's turkey but believing that's chicken a little while ago.
I was at the grocery store near home one day and looking for some meat.
Rich in protein..
And then turkey thighs were what I saw. The skin looks different....was he killed as he got goosebumps? (just laugh at me)
I saw the small picture of turkey on the label and decided to buy it.
2 thighs (770g) for €2,55. Not bad, isn't it?

Last visit at the school

Last Sunday night we'd sent email to the secretary that I would resign my school contract and return my student ID.
I slept until 7am today (Monday 5th Sept), not at 4:40 anymore.
Woke up with the slight guilt and

First and Last time

I swear this is the very first time and the last time in my life I've ever quit something that I was going to work hard on.
Here I have to... want to make it clear that I'm not a quitter. Because , you know what?, I've worked hard to get to here since I was 19 years old.
The reason I

My views of school days

"Wake up."

The Game

Who breaks the silence first? 

You or him?

I know I didn't do wrong. Just silence-game is going on here. 

Let me set the scene.