A Pavement of Stones

How can I get through this. 
How can I survive this time? 
I'll lose my visa. I need a job. 

I put myself in this place. Nothing and no one else. I chose to be here. So any kind of outcomes were welcomed. And here it is.

I went to the immigration office to update the residence information on my visa on 9th March.
The immigration office in the city of Grevenbroich administers all procedures for foreigners who live in Meerbusch (and of course some other cities too but not in Düsseldorf, unfortunately). So I went there. 
I showed him my passport, my visa that lasts till the year 2019, and waited until he typed all data in the database. 

He asks, "can you tell me again, when did you first come to Germany?"
"October 3rd, 2011". He takes a note.
He asks, "do you remember the date you got married?"
"November 22nd, 2012". He takes a note.
"And when did you go back to Japan? When did you get divorced?" He keeps taking notes. 
I can see his face is getting frowned and he still tries to keep his smile as he opens his mouth. 
Nice try. But I can see I'm getting in a trouble in this second. But I can't see exact what trouble I'm getting in. 

He opens his mouth again. "Okay. And you got to renew your visa last November 2016 in GroßGerau." I nod.
My divorce was on 14th December 2016. 
So i had no trouble and problem renewing the visa before our split. 
His writing hand and face are on his notes and says "GroßGerau shouldn't have given you the visa". 
My head suddenly has a blackout. 

"Our lawyer confirmed that the visa won't be taken away even after the divorce" I repeated it a couple of times. 
His voice had somehow an easing tone saying "the lawyer was wrong."

I will lose my visa. 
......I will lose my visa.
I will lose my fucking visa.

So what now?

I don't know if he was trying to keep or make me calm. He remained smiling and said "when you get a job, we can switch your visa to working states. Ok? We can do this." 
I asked "then....when I have a job interview, is it ok to say I have a visa to work?"
"Of course. You do have your visa which is valid" flipping my visa in his hands. Smiles.
I continued "then how long does this visa last?"
"Until I break it" he answered making his hand look like scissors and moved his index and middle fingers with the card in between them. 
Any amount of relieving words or smile didn't  work for me.
I couldn't be more desperate.

He lifts his shoulders higher and looks at me and says "I'll contact GroßGerau and investigate why this has happened. This wasn't right but they did and got you the visa. It's not your fault, Mrs. Nagumo."
I hope it wasn't my fault. I said in my head. 

"You will receive a letter or call from me and let's make an appointment for next time, okay?" He smiles. 
"Ok." came out with a sigh in shock and disappointment.
I left the room. Feeling numb. 

One thing that popped up in my head and would leave for a while (and still now): hey, am I illegal here?
I made sure I wouldn't slip out on the stairs.


This sort of sweat must be one of the most uncomfortable ones. 

I am on my bed, right by the big windows to the balcony, with the window slightly opened. 
Birds are chirping, leaves are getting green, the sky is blue, and the sound of plane engines runs above my head. 
This moment couldn't be more peaceful. 
This place must have been just like this 5, 10 years ago and it will be. 
Somehow I can convince myself that it'll be just fine, with the power of this peaceful moment outside. 
But once I look at my inbox of gmail, there's still no notification. No further email from a company that has contacted me for an appointment for a job interview. No phone calls from no, nobody.
This, just looking at this "nothing" makes me feel like being pushed from the edge of cliff and I fall deep deep into the hole. I don't hit the ground. Keep falling. Because I don't know how long this lasts. 
Or it's so deep that you don't hear the crush. 

People here are unbelievably nice. So kind and caring. 
Everything, literally everything, makes me like this town and the city of Düsseldorf more and more everyday and makes me don't want to leave. I can't just leave just like that.
I've come a long way. I finally came here. And now what? Will I lose my visa? 

No. My life has just started here. With full of hope and excitement. 

In the very beginning of this year, actually just a few days after the new year, I was on the phone with my friend in Tokyo. Not a friend anymore though.
As I told him that I decided to stay in Germany and live on my own, without returning to Japan after my divorce, he said "You have no education, no career. There's no future there. You are making a mistake".

I felt the heat coming up on my flesh. It still does when I remember it. 
And no doubt, the words he threw on me flashed back in my head yesterday and realized they're becoming a reality. He was right...

I have to stop it. I just cannot let it be true. Just because it's not. 

It's been almost one month since I moved in here. 
This is what I'm going through right now. 
Yes, this second you're reading this post. 


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