Fly outside the window

Thursday afternoon. 6th Oct.
It's gotten cold since the past few days. The temperature has dropped to 12 degrees from 25 a couple of days ago with the east wind. 
It's coming from Russia and pushing airplanes southward and they keep making noise over the apartments for arrivals. If you are the long term reader of my blog you know we live near the airport.

A jobless, or you can just call "a housewife" lady just chills in the house and is trying to kill time reading. That's me. 
Jan is off today. So he came to sit on the sofa to join me with his favorite weekly magazine. 
I can feel his heat the second he gets near me. 
I decided to lie on his lap to read. His manly heavy arm right on my ribs and that puts me in a good warmth. He is holding the magazine above my head. 
This is so warm. 
I look up at him. 
His up-curved lips make him look happy and peaceful. And his cheek is like the part he's had ever since he was a baby as if only this part remained as it was. "Happy" that's exactly how he looks right now. 
He notices my gaze and smiles at me with even bigger smile. 
Sparkles in his eyes when he looks at me. The full smile with peachy cheek. I'm sure this smile has caught people's heart since his childhood to his career as a cabin attendant over a decade. 
This smile even makes me feel guilty sometimes. Makes me realize how selfish I am. When we have to discuss a matter he starts to stutter and his face starts to talk to me instead. His mouth frowns and eyes look up at me like a puppy being yelled at by the owner. This makes me feel that I'm just yelling to make him shut up. "Am I asking too much?" "Am I just pushing my thoughts on him?" "What are you thinking?" I need to know what he's thinking. 
He doesn't need to say a word. He doesn't say it. His face tells me. Makes my heart ache. I get confused.

With his big, warm hand, he strokes my forehead and my bangs. 
Gently grabs my ponytail and lets his fingers slide in towards the end. 
He keeps looking at me and this smile he is giving down on me says everything. 
I do too. I love you. I know I do.
And I can't help wondering why you can be so generous and kind to me. 
Accepting and forgiving. Literally giving me everything, everything. Everyday.
And this "everything" isn't what makes me happy. 

I want words from him. His thoughts. What he has in his head. What he wants from me, what he wants for his life, what he wants for us.

What's on your mind? I ask. 
Nothing. He replies every time.


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