Notes to self: After a breakup

 

Fuck it's hard.
It has been about 4 weeks since we broke up. I have been working on healing from it. I had never experienced such a pain and cried 1,5 months straight since the moment I realized he was only ending this relationship, instead of working it out together. There was no other option but quitting the relationship for him. It was a fastest give up I have ever seen.
Everything I do reminded of him, us: the excitement for creating a life together, the plans and steps we made, the memories we shared, the bumps we got over together. All is gone.
These I thought made us even closer and our bond stronger only prove me I was wrong.
The darkest few months in pain and denial until I pushed myself to move out of the apartment we together moved in, I found myself doing nothing but crying in agonizing pain I never beared that I still cannot find words to describe. Losing him was then the scariest and the worst thing that could ever happen and the last thing I could think of in my life here. I never took the relationship for granted one bit.
Sometimes it feels like unfair when you get still dragged back into good memories in which you always end up in tears thinking he must have stopped even caring about you.
When you think you are the only one looks back and things are already changing.
All I did was resisting the reality, of course in hopes and trying to pursuade him to reconsider the decision.
I thought we could get over it just like other little bumps we got over past few years.This must be a bad dream and once I wake things get normal again. I thought of it over and over again knowing I am wrong.
One of hardest things was to stay positive in despair.
The reason I did was of course because I believed this will be over soon and we will be fine again. This belief kept me strong even though I countlessly broke down in tears when he stepped out the house for a smoke or a short walk after dinner.I went on knees and tears blinded my sight and wetted the floor. Me behaving positive and happy like before helped him a little to rethink or made him see this strong woman is for him..? Just a stupid idea because it didn't work at all in the end.

Giving up is an easiest way to walk away from a problem but this is not always the best solution to end it. When I think we could have considered it a little deeper or we could have taken a bit more time to process it, he had already decided not to bother to put another effort into the relationship anyway.He wanted to leave me as soon as possible, instead of staying with me anyhow.
He would eventually brag that he is always the one leaves the relationship, again.

I thought I would leave here a few phases I have been though so far, picking up broken pieces.

1. Give myself time to grieve but not let it consume myself.
I had focused on repressing and hodling emotions in, especially in the beginning of this event and after my new life in this new flat has started. I was afraid of breaking myself down by crying my eyes out, I was afraid I might not be able to be my normal self again by letting emotions flood out but it was not true.
Letting tears burst out actually helped me clear my head and mind, then think "holy shit, this is hard. but I will be okay."
Every night and morning my eyes were puffy and extra bonus: skin got dried out, made winkles and makeup turned shitty. This even looked funny and I laughed at myself in the mirror. Note to self: it is perfectly fine to cry as much as you need/want but always make sure to not let this one time rough event ruin your precious time. You've got so many more good things to take care of.

2. Deleting data.
I always deleted pictures every time relationship ended so that there was nothing left to look back even if I wanted to but this time it's weiredly different. I just can't delete them.
PC is in reach. I only have to open it, switch the power on, go onto goole photos, select the photos and hit Delete. Make sure to empty bin. I know it's so simple but something stops me from doing so, even though I know nothing is connecting us anymore. Deleting photos won't change anything between him and I.
When our old (but still only a few months old) photos pop up by chance (like "1 year ago today" reminder), it gets me feel like the breakup didn't even happen. I just can't believe we aren't together anymore. It haunts me every time this happens.
I shouldn't look at them, better yet they should forever be gone. There is no point keeping pictures I would never look back anymore.

3. Keep myself in positive spirits.
Since the very next day I knew I definitely hit the rock bottom, two of good friends of mine, actually my ex-colleagues from my previous job have been helping my heart heal, lifting me higher without doing it intentionally. They might not even be doing it for me, just being the way they are, being my friends but give me energy and I can laugh my lungs out until my cheeks and belly hurt, again.
A friend who drove back and forth between the apartment and my flat to transfer boxes, suitcases, bikes, drove me to IKEA and home centers, took care of small repairs. A friend walked me through the dark time, gave me wise words to keep me sane and made me believe that I will be fine, I can get through this, and sent me a gift card to make the transition easier. A friend offered me some used home appliance when I had to find ones. A friend who runs his cafe, knows me since I moved this city, worried about me and yet advised me not to live in the past and only look up.
I am fortunate to have them. How could I have dealt with this breakup without them? The road would have been much rougher, bumpier, und longer till where I am standing now.

4. Being on my own on the streets.
I met him very right after I decided to move to this city. So he was there my entire life in the city from the beginning. Literally all (almost) the streets I walked with him. Sunny days to enjoy the strolls in the shower of sun, rainy days we rushed back home from grocey shops. Running into a cafe to escape from an evening storm in the summer. Reading under huge trees in the park. Picknick on the grass. Now I walk alone everywhere and it does feel strange that he is not next to me who would carry heavy bags all the way back home. I'm alone.

5. Accept and process this heartache.
What could I have done last 3,5 years if I didn't spend the time with him?
This question didn't across my mind once because I got to learn, see, know so many things I wouldn't have got to otherwise.
Culture, history, study-work ethic, food I got to know from him and he cooked in the small kitchen on weekends. Music and books...and people around him from different backgrounds and countries. Drinks on the terrace, restaurants I was taken to. Damn,,how did I get this lucky to have had all this?
He made me the happiest girl alive but more than that I was the luckiest one.
The relationship didn't work out somehow, sadly but I can feel now that it's okay. It will forever hold a place in my heart and I will cherish what I got to have when I was with him. I will use it for the bigger and better self I am becoming. 

6. I've come a long way.
When I look at the ceiling in my new place I am relieved I have made it here through the deepest woods where I thought I could not find a path to come out, through the longest unlit tunnel where I didn't know where I was going. I felt confused, so lost, weak, and paralyzed. Desparate and devastated. I was at the bottom.
Thinking back of feelings I had then, it still overwhelms me. It was even hard to stand still. When he stopped look at me the way he used to and stopped smiling even.. that..really wrenched me..Where did he go, the person I used to know? ..It feels like you keep being stabbed over and over again and there's no way to stop it. Jeez how could I come through out of it? If I wasn't writing this it would long erased in my head just like a partial amnesia that your brain does to let you heal faster or help you forget the shock which no longer need to be remembered. I might forget the processing part that was the toughest laid on my chest and almost choked me.

I visited nearly 15 apartments within a week or 10 days and found my current place 2 weeks after I started a seach for a place. I knew the longer I am stuck in the apartment I lived with him the crazier my head gets. I know it's god damn hard being in a place where once love was and your heart broke into pieces. So you have to get out of it as soon as possible. My friend once said "you cannot heal in the place your wound was made". I questioned million times "why" but unending questions will never be answered and that should be maybe okay just like that. I wouldn't be convinced anyway. I should focus on moving on and bettering myself. I will find happiness again.

One biggest heartbreak... that was beyond hard and I didn't think I could bear.
One biggest love... that I didn't think I deserve.
3,5 years of happiest life... that I will always appreciate.

M