First and Last time


I swear this is the very first time and the last time in my life I've ever quit something that I was going to work hard on.
Here I have to... want to make it clear that I'm not a quitter. Because , you know what?, I've worked hard to get to here since I was 19 years old.
The reason I
had decided to drop out the school is...well I'm not writing this to convince you it was reasonable for me or because I wouldn't want you to just think I'm making excuses for it even though dropout means nothing but dropout.. I'm telling you anyway because this is my diary.
The reason is the language.
Too academical for me to understand and there was nobody like a tutor to consult with about my issue.

Last Thursday, 1st Sept, we had our first German lesson. After Ms. Schmitt (also our homeroom teacher) talked about the curriculum next 6 months or 1 year (I didn't understand which), she went on and gave us handouts, which required us to write the continued story.
When I knew that we would have to "read" the story I almost said Fuck.
By then we had had classes such as Physics, Biology, Chemistry, Social study, Math, French, and English.
It's just been overwhelming me a could of days in a row and this German lesson was something like one last big punch to knock you out and you can't get up anymore.
So I almost said Fuck. I can't read..
A story of a man, printed both sides of A4 paper and the teacher divided it into 3 sections and 3 of us read it aloud that took about +5 minutes.
Right after that she continued "Please write a story how it would have continued. I will give you 15 minutes."
I literally thought I'm fucked. (Fuck Mr. Wildenberg)
First, I didn't get any part of the story.
2nd, there are way too many vocabularies that I need to look up.
3rd, how come do I ever get to write his story?
I started again to try to read it or at least to look like I'm working. My neighbors wouldn't stop writing, filling up the note.
I'm the only one who doesn't understand a paragraph, not even the first lines.
Ms. Schimitt started to walk in the rows and look into our shoulders to see how we write and how the story goes. And as expected, she stopped behind my shoulder. My right shoulder. (sigh) here she is.
"Have you understood it?" she asked me with a tone expecting the answer Yes but I betrayed it and said "No." "You didn't understand it partially or completely?" by the time she finished with ly I covered my answer with "Completely".
"Um." her big green eyes stabbed me instead of saying me anything and asked "do you think you can try to write it?" "Yes I do" I knew I wasn't going to write.
I've got my dictionary but it doesn't have those vocabularies that are too advanced and we aren't allowed to use a phone in a class so I couldn't look up them into online dictionary.
"Time's up." and moved her face toward me and then asked "Have you written it?" I didn't take 2 seconds to answer "No, not at all".
They started to raise their hands to read their stories and I was trying desperately not to let my tears filling my eyes drop.
Biting the bottom lip helped somehow.
This was the moment I thought it's beyond my capacity after 4 days of school.
Since then, we had German class the nest day though, she never asked me anything. I'm glad she didn't.
The next day, 2nd Sept, we had only German and English. I was so ready to run to the secretary room and tell them that I'll drop out but I didn't.
My classmates were there. I didn't want them to see me claiming to quit the school so I just left the place with them.

Every single subject is taught in German.
The teachers are German and so are the students. So there's no way that they go easy on me.
The school where I would always thought I'd be going was not a language school but a community collage.
I still don't know and will never know why they ever let me pass the entrance exam.
If they'd been honest enough to tell me my German sucks and not get my hopes up I would've stayed in Tokyo and continued working. But I got to know how inadequate my German is.
I am grateful to have this experience thanks to Jan and other people that made it happen and let me try it.

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