Who breaks the silence first?
You or him?
I know I didn't do wrong. Just silence-game is going on here.
Let me set the scene.
Sunday evening. The sun was low enough to color the town orange.
We were in the car driving through the city and done with what we needed. We knew we'd head back home, but neither of us said so.
Summer festival has been the big attraction this weekend in this town and it's Sunday evening. It must be crowded. Young people and families are there.
We'd go there until 2 years ago but I've lost the interests for it because they always have the same stuff. Food and rides. So I didn't want to go. I told him that too.
Earlier the evening I mentioned I'd like some treats before we left....we might get it at the gas station.
Our car was actually near the gas station but he changed the direction and headed to the fest.
He continues that he'd like to show me that and I say I know where that is. I'm not interested.
He wouldn't listen and parked the car.
"Here we are." Gives me the look Get off.
So I did. I was irritated then already. Why does he just insistently step on what I say and force me to do this?
I was scared of getting in trouble. So I quietly followed what he did.
There's a mom with her son who's crying out loud for something turned out differently from how he thought it would. She's on the phone holding his back side of collar so that he wouldn't be gone. I walk by them.
We made a quick round of stroll in the place.
Lots of laughter and happy scream of kids on the ride and adults with beer.
I must be the only one there whose face has no expression and who weirdly keeps walking.
He's walking next to me, saying nothing.
What is this evening walk for?
I just saw the mom and her son walking down the slope from the place.
This made it even clearer that it's passed only few minutes since we walked by them.
He's still crying and trying to stay there. The mom asks him if he's like to stay there without her or go home. There's an elderly couple coming down towards us and the guy said "home" with laugh. His wife smiles. The mom does the look "You know right" with both palms facing up and smile and frowned mixed face to them.
I wanted to smile but didn't. And Jan smiled at me.
I didn't look at it but saw it in my sight. There's something wrong with you. I thought.
We came back to the car that we just got off of.
None of us said anything.
The car starts and the silence surrounds us. In a second the gas station showed up from the corner. He asks me "Would you like some snack?"
Are you asking me this now? I didn't say that.
I said no and "it's too late to ask after you forced me to go there. I told you I didn't want to go" instead.
This is the moment this silence game has started.
I'm reading in the kitchen with a small desk lamp and he's in the living room. Sitting on the sofa in the night darkness.
What is he doing? Reading? TV? But it's too dark to read and I can hear any sound from there.
I don't know what he's doing. He doesn't seems to turn on the lights. ... Says nothing.
Creepy. My brains said.
What if he came towards me and stabbed me? Accusing me of saying nothing?
The reason I get scared and freaked from such a thing is not because I suck at dealing with men.
When he gets pissed or even frustrated by himself, he can't control his emotion.
One day he got irritated by himself and slapped his own cheek strongly, right in front of me and say "Fuck myself!" and left. I froze for a second.
This sort of things happened some times last years and I still don't know where his "switch" is.
I cannot see what makes him mad, how he gets angry, or how he express his anger.
So this freaks me out.
He showed up in the kitchen suddenly. All the nerves in my body get tense. "What is he going to grab? What? What? What? The glass he's holding and hit my head? Or the kitchen knife? Or just scream at me?"
"I'll take a shower" he said with a high pitch. The same tone as when he says "You're a good cook" wish smile.
He left to the bathroom and closed the door.
Suddenly I felt an urge to go to the toilet. Turned off the desk lamp.
I didn't know he didn't even switch on the light of hallway. I searched for the button for the light as if I became blind. I was left in the darkness.