12 October, 2016

Phone call broke the silence

So many things going on in my head. Job and apartment hunt and rebuilding my life. 
I'm on start over. This almost makes me faint. 
But I will be soon ok again.

11 October, 2016

Fly outside the window

Thursday afternoon. 6th Oct.
It's gotten cold since the past few days. The temperature has dropped to 12 degrees from 25 a couple of days ago with the east wind. 
It's coming from Russia and pushing airplanes southward and they keep making noise over the apartments for arrivals. If you are the long term reader of my blog you know we live near the airport.

02 October, 2016

Promises in A Relationship

How do people make promises in their relationships? 
Here I am only talking about promises in romance/love. Not in general. (...can it be separated? I do)
Do all the promises really come to the reality? 
I have an experience with a guy who I was in relationship with. 

Sun is too bright

22:37 1st.Oct
What do you do when you can't sleep?
Wide awake and keep thinking. But you can't clearly figure out what you are thinking about. 
You know you should get your sleep..so you're trying to make yourself sleepy. But how?
You might read your book? Blog? Browse Facebook or Instagram? Maybe tweet that you can't sleep?
As for me, I'm missing my friends back home. My head is full of thoughts.
Do they think of me? Do I still exist in their lives? 

14:12 2nd.Oct
I went to bed around 0:30 and woke at 3:20. I couldn't get back to sleep till 6:30. Seems like I drifted off to sleep and woke at 8:51. 
Finished breakfast in the kitchen and did some workout in the living room. Then I got nothing else to distract myself.
Today I can't get anything done. How could a Sunday be so long? 
I wanted to write but I can't find right words to start. 

I tried to read but nothing goes into my head and end up reading the same paragraph over and over. 

A song for my weekend home alone

29 September, 2016

Turned out right.

21:05. Thursday night. I'm making prune jam and my husband is reading a book next to me.
Time is going slower than usual right now. Maybe because we're happy and content.
Sweet and sour smell of prunes started to fill the small kitchen. I'm not a big fan of prunes (I love dried ones) but he is. His parents got us fresh prunes from their neighbors in Odenwald, a small town in the country side where they have a vacation house and spend weekends. 
Yesterday while I was preparing for dinner his parents called us and told about prunes that need to be picked up. I thought that'd just be a couple of them but Jan came back with about 20 of them. Too much for us alone to eat. 
I browsed some recipes using prunes and making the jam that he loves sounded the best idea to use up about 500g of it. 

26 September, 2016

10 years down on the road?

Divorce Support Expert asks:
"There may be some initial gratification but how will you feel five or ten years down on the road?
Will you regret not putting more effort into solving marital problems?"

Do people divorce considering what it would be like in 10 years?
I certainly didn't.
In 10 years I will be 37 and Jan will be 45. Not bad.
What would our lives in 10 years be like?
We both would surely be working. Kids would be there too. Maybe in an elementary school or preschool.

25 September, 2016

I'll take the lighter one

"Don't let the emotions overwrite your heart."
"Which one makes you smile or feel lighter? Still being married in 6 months there or being free and able to do whatever you want/need in Japan?"
"If you really didn't want to split you wouldn't have come this far by now."
"Yes, this happens. People see good memories and tend to forget bad ones..and yes, you can look back too. You can remember memories but then remember eeeverything. You know."

Unorganized notes

Woke up with Sunday sun. Alone. Jan's gone on a flight to Tokyo again. My head is still drowsy but full of thoughts on our divorce issue. Can a brain work at full speed once eyes open after 8 hour sleep?
Now I feel like becoming an interviewer to those who got through divorce asking what part was tough to work out, if they ever regretted splitting, or if they think that was the right decision.
They got married in love with each other and so did we.


There are some kinds of tears. Joy. Happiness. Loss. Loneliness. Setback. Goodbye. 
None of these is mine.

Follow your heart? or listen to your brain?

22nd Sept. 15:00 We met the lawyer.

Am I the one who broke our marriage? Have I been disrespectful?
I cancelled the appointment for job hunting.

Trying to keep it happening and going. Do I have to go slower and think?
Maybe stay here, work, and have a family?
Should I have more patience? Coincidentally I've read in a book that says Marriage is compromise and hard work, and then more hard work and communication and compromise. And then work. 

Have I compromised anything? Am I just pushing through what I want and trying to leave here just because things didn't turn out how I thought it would?

Should I give it a try one more time?

Someone help me.