Turned out right.


21:05. Thursday night. I'm making prune jam and my husband is reading a book next to me.
Time is going slower than usual right now. Maybe because we're happy and content.
Sweet and sour smell of prunes started to fill the small kitchen. I'm not a big fan of prunes (I love dried ones) but he is. His parents got us fresh prunes from their neighbors in Odenwald, a small town in the country side where they have a vacation house and spend weekends. 
Yesterday while I was preparing for dinner his parents called us and told about prunes that need to be picked up. I thought that'd just be a couple of them but Jan came back with about 20 of them. Too much for us alone to eat. 
I browsed some recipes using prunes and making the jam that he loves sounded the best idea to use up about 500g of it. 



Today, 29th Sept. we had an appointment with our lawyer for the divorce procedure. The 2nd appointment. At our first one, the lawyer said Jan has to come over alone on 29th. So I wasn't with him today. 
The divorce agreement that needs both signs of us should have been turned in this time but we didn't fill them up. Jan left the house around 16:30 without anything in his hands and just told me he'd ring the bell when he returns. I kept on checking the clock on the kitchen wall from time to time, wondering how their meeting is going.
In less than an hour he came back with the same tone as when he comes back from shopping with some nice treat for me. 
"How did you start talking to him?" I asked.
"Um, like ''actually, I have good news''."
"Ah huh?" I knew it but I smiled. Yes,
We decided not to divorce.

We found the whole idea of splitting was wrong.
We really were serious to divorce. 
Otherwise we wouldn't have gone to the point of signing the agreement. 
But worries, doubts, fears of things that are not even happening weren't strong enough to split us. 
"We can work it out" he ended the all teary night I had yesterday with this phrase in gentle, calm tone wrapping me in his arms. 
Imagination of the whole process that would start the moment we turn in the paper to the lawyer had been freaking me out. It would've been mailed to the court and in 6 months the judge would ask us individually  if I want to divorce where a strange vacant space separates us on the court. 
Then we would just be a people who used to know before.
No, I can't.
I can't let our marriage end like this by just blaming what looks tough for us, what I'm scared to try or things that we have never gone through even though we still care about each other. 
We are still young and growing. There must be ways to make it work. 

Especially the past two weeks were tough. Struggles with emotions, ideals and realities. 
I have to admit that I had been (and I sure will again) keeping my husband in trouble due to my selfishness and childishness (and more) over months and years. But he was the only one who stayed in the bumpy (because of my unsteadiness) road and waited for me without bitching and telling me a word. 

Thank you always for being there for me.
I'm glad we decided to stick together.

We're excited to try this jam for breakfast tomorrow. It turned out delicious.

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