Across Borders: Navigating Trials and Triumphs on the Road to Marriage

On the 23rd of March 2024, I stood beside the love of my life, surrounded by friends and family, as we exchanged vows and embarked on a new chapter together as husband and wife. It was a day filled with joy, relief, and a deep sense of gratitude for the winding path that led us to that moment.

Our story began in the midst of 2021, amidst the digital ether of language exchange platforms. Little did I know that striking up a conversation with a stranger would lead to a profound connection that would change the course of my life. As our friendship blossomed, I found myself drawn to Oxford, eager to nurture the possibility of something more with this incredible person.

Over the span of two years, I traversed the skies, flying to the UK over twenty times, fueled by the hope that our bond would evolve into something enduring and beautiful. Each visit strengthened our connection, reaffirming my belief in the power of love to transcend distance and time.

However, in November 2023, our hopes were dealt a devastating blow when my entry into the UK was denied, and I found myself detained overnight, separated from the man I loved. It was a harrowing experience that shattered our plans for a civil partnership in the UK, leaving us adrift in a sea of uncertainty. Returning to Germany with only a backpack and facing the daunting task of rebuilding my life, I grappled with feelings of loss and helplessness.

Yet, amidst the chaos, a glimmer of hope emerged. With unwavering determination, we forged ahead, exploring alternative avenues to unite our lives. We made the decision to marry in France, a country that welcomed us with open arms and provided a beacon of hope in our darkest hour.

In the months leading up to our wedding, we navigated a labyrinth of bureaucracy, bridging three countries and overcoming countless obstacles. From Japan to Germany to France, we embarked on a journey fraught with challenges, from international phone calls to sworn translators, from post office visits to trips to Paris. Despite the logistical hurdles, our love prevailed, growing stronger with each passing day.

During my time in France, I had the privilege of forging bonds with Guillaume's family, particularly his mother, with whom I shared the joy of refurbishing furniture and the warmth of familial connection. It was a period of growth and discovery, as I embraced a new culture and embraced the love that surrounded me.

As the day of our marriage approached, anticipation mingled with nerves, but above all, there was an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the love that had brought us to this moment. Surrounded by family, we exchanged vows in a ceremony that was a testament to our resilience and commitment to each other.

Now, as we embark on the next chapter of our journey, we are faced with the daunting task of navigating the complexities of visa applications and immigration laws. Yet, armed with love and determination, we are confident that we will overcome any obstacle that stands in our way.

Our journey to marriage has been marked by trials and tribulations, but through it all, our love has remained steadfast. As we look to the future, we do so with hope in our hearts and a deep sense of gratitude for the love that has guided us thus far. Together, we are ready to face whatever challenges lie ahead, secure in the knowledge that love knows no boundaries.

Notes to self: After a breakup

 

Fuck it's hard.
It has been about 4 weeks since we broke up. I have been working on healing from it. I had never experienced such a pain and cried 1,5 months straight since the moment I realized he was only ending this relationship, instead of working it out together. There was no other option but quitting the relationship for him. It was a fastest give up I have ever seen.
Everything I do reminded of him, us: the excitement for creating a life together, the plans and steps we made, the memories we shared, the bumps we got over together. All is gone.
These I thought made us even closer and our bond stronger only prove me I was wrong.
The darkest few months in pain and denial until I pushed myself to move out of the apartment we together moved in, I found myself doing nothing but crying in agonizing pain I never beared that I still cannot find words to describe. Losing him was then the scariest and the worst thing that could ever happen and the last thing I could think of in my life here. I never took the relationship for granted one bit.
Sometimes it feels like unfair when you get still dragged back into good memories in which you always end up in tears thinking he must have stopped even caring about you.
When you think you are the only one looks back and things are already changing.
All I did was resisting the reality, of course in hopes and trying to pursuade him to reconsider the decision.
I thought we could get over it just like other little bumps we got over past few years.This must be a bad dream and once I wake things get normal again. I thought of it over and over again knowing I am wrong.
One of hardest things was to stay positive in despair.
The reason I did was of course because I believed this will be over soon and we will be fine again. This belief kept me strong even though I countlessly broke down in tears when he stepped out the house for a smoke or a short walk after dinner.I went on knees and tears blinded my sight and wetted the floor. Me behaving positive and happy like before helped him a little to rethink or made him see this strong woman is for him..? Just a stupid idea because it didn't work at all in the end.

Giving up is an easiest way to walk away from a problem but this is not always the best solution to end it. When I think we could have considered it a little deeper or we could have taken a bit more time to process it, he had already decided not to bother to put another effort into the relationship anyway.He wanted to leave me as soon as possible, instead of staying with me anyhow.
He would eventually brag that he is always the one leaves the relationship, again.

I thought I would leave here a few phases I have been though so far, picking up broken pieces.

1. Give myself time to grieve but not let it consume myself.
I had focused on repressing and hodling emotions in, especially in the beginning of this event and after my new life in this new flat has started. I was afraid of breaking myself down by crying my eyes out, I was afraid I might not be able to be my normal self again by letting emotions flood out but it was not true.
Letting tears burst out actually helped me clear my head and mind, then think "holy shit, this is hard. but I will be okay."
Every night and morning my eyes were puffy and extra bonus: skin got dried out, made winkles and makeup turned shitty. This even looked funny and I laughed at myself in the mirror. Note to self: it is perfectly fine to cry as much as you need/want but always make sure to not let this one time rough event ruin your precious time. You've got so many more good things to take care of.

2. Deleting data.
I always deleted pictures every time relationship ended so that there was nothing left to look back even if I wanted to but this time it's weiredly different. I just can't delete them.
PC is in reach. I only have to open it, switch the power on, go onto goole photos, select the photos and hit Delete. Make sure to empty bin. I know it's so simple but something stops me from doing so, even though I know nothing is connecting us anymore. Deleting photos won't change anything between him and I.
When our old (but still only a few months old) photos pop up by chance (like "1 year ago today" reminder), it gets me feel like the breakup didn't even happen. I just can't believe we aren't together anymore. It haunts me every time this happens.
I shouldn't look at them, better yet they should forever be gone. There is no point keeping pictures I would never look back anymore.

3. Keep myself in positive spirits.
Since the very next day I knew I definitely hit the rock bottom, two of good friends of mine, actually my ex-colleagues from my previous job have been helping my heart heal, lifting me higher without doing it intentionally. They might not even be doing it for me, just being the way they are, being my friends but give me energy and I can laugh my lungs out until my cheeks and belly hurt, again.
A friend who drove back and forth between the apartment and my flat to transfer boxes, suitcases, bikes, drove me to IKEA and home centers, took care of small repairs. A friend walked me through the dark time, gave me wise words to keep me sane and made me believe that I will be fine, I can get through this, and sent me a gift card to make the transition easier. A friend offered me some used home appliance when I had to find ones. A friend who runs his cafe, knows me since I moved this city, worried about me and yet advised me not to live in the past and only look up.
I am fortunate to have them. How could I have dealt with this breakup without them? The road would have been much rougher, bumpier, und longer till where I am standing now.

4. Being on my own on the streets.
I met him very right after I decided to move to this city. So he was there my entire life in the city from the beginning. Literally all (almost) the streets I walked with him. Sunny days to enjoy the strolls in the shower of sun, rainy days we rushed back home from grocey shops. Running into a cafe to escape from an evening storm in the summer. Reading under huge trees in the park. Picknick on the grass. Now I walk alone everywhere and it does feel strange that he is not next to me who would carry heavy bags all the way back home. I'm alone.

5. Accept and process this heartache.
What could I have done last 3,5 years if I didn't spend the time with him?
This question didn't across my mind once because I got to learn, see, know so many things I wouldn't have got to otherwise.
Culture, history, study-work ethic, food I got to know from him and he cooked in the small kitchen on weekends. Music and books...and people around him from different backgrounds and countries. Drinks on the terrace, restaurants I was taken to. Damn,,how did I get this lucky to have had all this?
He made me the happiest girl alive but more than that I was the luckiest one.
The relationship didn't work out somehow, sadly but I can feel now that it's okay. It will forever hold a place in my heart and I will cherish what I got to have when I was with him. I will use it for the bigger and better self I am becoming. 

6. I've come a long way.
When I look at the ceiling in my new place I am relieved I have made it here through the deepest woods where I thought I could not find a path to come out, through the longest unlit tunnel where I didn't know where I was going. I felt confused, so lost, weak, and paralyzed. Desparate and devastated. I was at the bottom.
Thinking back of feelings I had then, it still overwhelms me. It was even hard to stand still. When he stopped look at me the way he used to and stopped smiling even.. that..really wrenched me..Where did he go, the person I used to know? ..It feels like you keep being stabbed over and over again and there's no way to stop it. Jeez how could I come through out of it? If I wasn't writing this it would long erased in my head just like a partial amnesia that your brain does to let you heal faster or help you forget the shock which no longer need to be remembered. I might forget the processing part that was the toughest laid on my chest and almost choked me.

I visited nearly 15 apartments within a week or 10 days and found my current place 2 weeks after I started a seach for a place. I knew the longer I am stuck in the apartment I lived with him the crazier my head gets. I know it's god damn hard being in a place where once love was and your heart broke into pieces. So you have to get out of it as soon as possible. My friend once said "you cannot heal in the place your wound was made". I questioned million times "why" but unending questions will never be answered and that should be maybe okay just like that. I wouldn't be convinced anyway. I should focus on moving on and bettering myself. I will find happiness again.

One biggest heartbreak... that was beyond hard and I didn't think I could bear.
One biggest love... that I didn't think I deserve.
3,5 years of happiest life... that I will always appreciate.

M

These Days

 

I know you moved onto someone new
Hope life is beautiful
You were the light for me to find my truth
I just wanna say, thank you

Leaving to find my soul
Told her I had to go
And I know it ain't pretty
When our hearts get broke
Too young to feel this old
Watching us both turn cold
Oh, I know it ain't pretty
When two hearts get broke
Yeah, I know it ain't pretty
When two hearts get broke

I hope someday we'll sit down together
And laugh with each other about these days, these days
All our troubles, we'll lay to rest and
We'll wish we could come back to these days, these days

Oh, I know, I know
Oh, I know, I know
Oh, I know, I know
These days, these days

Oh, I know, I know
Oh, I know, I know
Oh, I know, I know
These days, these days

Three years of ups and downs
Nothing to show for it now
And I know it ain't pretty
When the fire burns out
Calling me when I'm drunk
Remind me of what I've done
And I know it ain't pretty
When you're trying to move on, yeah

I hope someday we'll sit down together
And laugh with each other about these days, these days
All our troubles, we'll lay to rest and
We'll wish we could come back to these days, these days

Oh, I know, I know
Oh, I know, I know
Oh, I know, I know
These days, these days

Oh, I know, I know
Oh, I know, I know
Oh, I know, I know
To these days, these days, oh

Cigarettes in the ash tray
Reminiscing on those past days
I thought you'd end up with my last name
But that changed

And I travelled around the world, think where you living at now?
I heard you moved to Austin, got a new apartment and settled down
And every once in a while I start texting
Write a paragraph, but then I delete the message

Think 'bout you like a past time
I could cry you a river, get you baptised or
I wasn't ready to act right
Used to always think I'd get you back, right

They say that things fall apart (Yeah)
We were gonna move to Brooklyn, you were gonna study Art
Love is just a tool to remind us who we are
And that we are not alone when we're walking in the dark

I hope someday we'll sit down together
And laugh with each other about these days, these days
All our troubles, we'll lay to rest and
We'll wish we could come back to these days, these days

We'll wish we could come back to these days, these days

Dim light

How can I start this? All these two and half years I haven’t posted a single article to share my life with those who have followed my blog, I was in the happiest place I’d ever been and even thought that would last for a long long time. As you assume, yes, it’s over, just like other relationships out there. 

You never know how such a tiny thing would destroy everything in one snap and it never gets fixed. Would I expect we would be broken up and I would have to find new place to live in one month? No. 
Things turned just so fast that I couldn’t even digest, comprehend and decide to move forward, it was just too fast to catch up, you know. Sometimes this happens.

All the furniture we bought together, each room we decorated together, kitchen items, dishes, cutlery we shared, some scratches on the wall when I carried your rock chair to run roomba, well-used and stained cooking books we used to entertain ourselves.. what the heck? All gone.

 
Those rejections, denial of future and possibilities, I got left behind of memories before I understood. When I have a flashback it suffocates me and it feels like it squeezes my heart while tears gushing out before I even notice.

Wound is still fresh raw. I am only pretending just fine and moving on. Because it has just happened. Do you have any idea how I heal from this? 
What’s different is that I am living in my own flat. Now I’ve got all the time I want myself. I am alone but not lonely. I have nice friends who visit me and help me out in the process of getting through this time.

It’s good and important to be surrounded by positive vibes. They only make my chin up and think about fun stuff. We cannot openly plan parties for Christmas and new year yet but small visits with Asian takeaways or coffee to go while strolling in the quiet park. 

Let’s see what happens next few months or my life in one year. It’s only excitement. 
Life is like a box of chocolate. You never know what you’re gonna get. 

M

Oma Erika

When you were asked if you were happy back then, you said you are. In different places, times, with different people you said you are happy.
And now you’re asked again, 10 years later if you are happy. You say you are, happier than ever.
Through storms and bumpy roads. 

A Pavement of Stones

How can I get through this. 

How can I survive this time? 

I'll lose my visa. I need a job. 

I put myself in this place. Nothing and no one else. I chose to be here. So any kind of outcomes were welcomed. And here it is.

The First Day. Lost in Town

My first morning!! Started with a couple of things on ToDo list for today. And I'm feeling determined. Somehow.

1) I will get officially registered as a resident of this town and other required procedure.

2) Get a small mirror for my desk (for makeup when the bathroom is occupied etc) and a body wash sponge

3) Explore the town, find a shortcut to the station. 

This is what I had for breakfast. 

I sat on the chair in the kitchen and looked outside the window. 

I've got all the time for my own. I can do anything here.